A New Me?

I'm almost afraid to write about this because I know hours, days, weeks, or months from now, everything I'm about to say is going to be bullshit and I'll go back and think to myself, "what the hell was I thinking?" But for now, maybe I can just enjoy the moment and just do it. For the last couple of months, I honestly think that things have felt almost better. I say 'almost' because I doubt things will ever truly be "better". There is always going to be someone missing. Alexandra is always going to be gone and buried in the ground. People are always going to make me feel like crap when they say insensitive, thoughtless things. I'm always going to have to live with the fact that my firstborn daughter died and as far as we know, died for no reason at all. Despite all of that, I can honestly say that my days seem a little more "normal" than before. I feel a little more like me. I don't cry every single day anymore. I laugh a lot more than before and I can smile if I think of Alexandra. Just the thought of her used to make me want to break down into tears. I'm not sure if it's because it's been seven months since she has been gone or what? I don't want to put a timeline on my own grief, but I have to admit my days feel a little easier to deal with than before. Are there still bad days? Sure! Are there still moments I feel like I've been punched in the gut when I see a pregnant woman or newborn baby? Yes, every single day. Am I still bitter towards those who were able to bring their baby home with no trouble? Of course! But for the most part, I'm living my life and I'm coping as best as I possibly can. I think I should thank all of the assholes in my life who said terrible things to me in the past week and months too because thanks to them, I have finally realized what they say or think doesn't matter. They are ignorant when it comes to this type of loss. They won't know unless it happened to them. They are stupid for making a loss like this all about "them". Having the nerve to say any hurtful things at all just makes THEM look bad to everyone else, except their ignorant friends. I take great comfort in the fact that they can go on and say all the stupid, thoughtless, rude comments they want and look bad to everyone else who is supporting ME. Thank you for that and for making me a stronger, better person for it. So, here's to a "new" me! The new me that doesn't care about other people's opinions and thoughts on all this. Will they still hurt? Yes. Will I still bitch about it here after they are said to me? Probably. But will I let it get me down? I'll try my best for it not to. I'm going to try my hardest to think positive and be thankful for the friends and family who do support me and most of all for Alexandra. That's what is most important to me now and I think in the end, that's all that matters.