The Butterfly Award

This week kicks last week's ass (with reference to Friends when Monica outdid her own Thanksgiving, remember?).  Let's see just how it is better...I got rid of the negativity in my life (or at least people who were adding negativity into it) for the time being. I know some people will never disappear completely from my life since they are family, but for right now I'm just going to go with it and enjoy the peace. My butterflies hatched and continue to do so! I think we have about three or four more to go until they are all born. I found out my parking lot attendant, among all people is full of compassion and sympathy. My husband and I went to a baseball game for the March of Dimes. Every Wednesday night, they "fill the house" for a different charity. The profit of all the tickets sold for that game is then donated to a charity and we went for March of Dimes. It was just one of the "rewards" for doing so well on our walk. The house wasn't "full", but full enough and we had a good time, and oh yeah, we won 11-0! And now, Ann, my very good, sweet friend who I now love like a sister, has awarded me this, my very own Butterfly Award!

Ann created this award during her recent blog makeover, which looks beautiful! The award represents the change you go through after your loss. Since meeting me on here AND in person, she passed this award onto me because she has seen a change in myself. I will admit I am definitely a changed person after Alexandra's loss, but how? I only know of a few things that stand out. I definitely have a better appreciation for life, particularly my own. It sounds so cliche to say, but it's true. While I had no complications during my c-section, I definitely remember second guessing my decision once I was on that table getting ready to be wheeled into the operation room. I was scared to death for my husband and he was afraid too. Surgery is surgery and anything can happen. Then the following nights after Alexandra died, I remember being afraid to even go to sleep for fear of dying. I never had that fear before. At the time, we weren't sure if my health was also in jeopardy or what, so it was all very scary. Since then, I've felt lucky to be here and know that life is very short and I should at least try to appreciate the things and I do have. Some days are definitely harder!  I also hug my kitties and my husband a little tighter!  I also know how much I do want to be a mother to not only Alexandra, but hopefully her future brothers/sisters. I think losing Alexandra made me realize how much I wanted to have children. Before her, it was kind of just the goal. Grow up, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. No more of that. Now I want to have that dream. I want to be a good Mom and I know that no matter what their doing or how crazy the kids might make me feel one day... I will be thankful for what I have. And finally, I think I'm a bit more outgoing than I used to be. I'm still so shy, but I feel a little stronger than before. Feeling stronger is a positive thing, but I hate it sometimes too. I wish I wasn't forced into this strength in the first place.  But it's there and it's what gave me the courage to hold my new niece. I only wish that my family would recognize how much strength that took to do. Maybe someday they will. And finally, Alexandra has taught me to appreciate the little things, like seeing a butterfly or a pretty sunset. Thank you Alexandra! That's what life is all about! :-) 

So, now it's my turn to pass on the Butterfly Award to someone I feel has shown a change in themselves. Jill, I pass it onto you! Jill is a sweet friend and fellow Mommy I have met along my journey. She was one of the first people I met. To me she has grown into something beautiful, like a butterfly. :-)  After her loss, she realized seeing her babies names meant so much to her that she created her own memorial tribute for others, which is Vermont Angels. She creates beautiful name tributes to parents of babies by sharing a little piece of Vermont with them. I just love the ones she did for Alexandra. Her posts are always so beautiful too and I know that her babies have also taught her an appreciation for life and the little things because it is truly reflected in all of her posts and everything she does to remember her babies, Emma & Chase. Congratulations Jill! You deserve a butterfly award of your own! Enjoy!