Looking For You
5 years ago
June 25, 2010
Selfish or not?
I will be the first one to admit that I think a lot of times, this grief has made me selfish. People's normal everyday problems don't seem to be that big of a deal to me anymore. I WISH that I had that problem. I WISH that whatever petty annoyance that is bothering them that day...was my biggest problem in my life right now. Unfortunately, I have bigger problems to contend with. My firstborn daughter died and we had to bury her before she even had a chance to live. A lot of people don't even consider her "real" or deny her existence, and yet somehow, I'm expected to get up every day, go to work, do my job and act "normal". Every day I slap on a happy face (well, not every day) like nothing happened and try to live my life as normal as I possibly can. And most days I can until the one person says something like, "get over it" or "it's not MY fault your baby died" or "deal with it"... let's face it. I can go on and on. It's either a rude comment like that or it's seeing a newborn baby or a pregnant woman that snaps me back to reality and forces me to realize that my life is not the same and one of the most unnatural things to happen to a person happened to me. I live with that every single day. Am I selfish for saying I don't care what people think anymore because they are the ones who have hurt me? It amazes me that people somehow turn my own grief around to be their problem. It's ironic that they think I'm making "it all about me" and yet, they are the ones making it about themselves! *sigh* As if this grief weren't complicated enough, we have to deal with being called "selfish", "pathetic", "sad", etc. I have no idea why you would want to call a bereaved parent any of those things because in my experience, they are some of the kindest most caring, compassionate people I have ever met! I have given more money to charity this year alone than I ever have in my entire life. I have reached out to more people this year than ever before! I have made great friends and hopefully made many feel some sense of comfort in my comments or even from reading this blog. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's "being selfish" or "making it all about me". I think that's called "caring". :-)
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Maggie you are such an amazing person! People just don't get it. They don't understand the pain we suffer each and everyday. They don't see how hard it is for use to perform simple tasks. Life just isn't the same. You are doing a great job at moving forward and I don't think that you are selfish, you are just mourning the death of your child. I'm hear for you if you need me!!!
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I could have typed this myself today. I just got an email today from a friend I kind of temporarily broke up with and yeah..."it amazes me that people somehow turn my own grief around to be their problem"....applies to this friend.
ReplyDeletePeople really don't get it. You just be you girl, do what you need to and the rest can buzz off!!!
I don't think that some of these people realize that getting out of bed somedays is a chore for people like us. I don't think you're selfish. I think that you have a greater understanding of life and realize that sometimes these everyday problems are really not a big deal. Some people are just looking for attention. I don't think this is something that is ever going to go away, it does get easier, but that heartache will always be there. The people who love you will be there for you, and I think you will find out who your true friends are during this.
ReplyDeleteI know before I lost my son I didn't understand the whole grief process. I didn't know what to say or how to act, so sometimes I try to be a little more empathetic towards them. Just remember, as hard as it is, you have an angel watching over you. She would be so proud of what an amazing lady her mommy is. Make each and every day about making her proud. I don't know if that helps, but thats how I get through it.
maggie, no one who hasnt't lost a child will EVER get it... i guess its just one of those things that you wish on no one, but wish sometimes that people could one understand for one minute what we live with.. i dont think you are selfish... i hear your pain... keep your chin up and be yourself... you clearly already know who the true friends are... you know the ones who havent changed, but understand that you have and they are still around to be there for you and your family.
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you have no idea how many times I have rolled my eyes at peoples problems because to me they seem SO STUPID. I think I am jealous, but then again... that has been my biggest hurdle in grieving. I HATE IT!
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of the words for a similar post, I know exactly what you mean unfortunately. Thinking of you.
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I think these feelings are totally normal! The general population has no idea how to "deal" with us lost baby moms. You are not selfish, at all. I am sorry people have hurt you. I wish those around us could make this easier for us, but for some reason it doesn't happen that way. I totally get how you feel! I am sorry we both get it. :-( Thinking of you and your sweet Alexandra. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWho the hell would ever say that to you. That makes me so mad, I'm ready to show up with brass knuckles on for you. <3
ReplyDeleteFar from selfish ;) The antithesis actually. That whole concept around 'getting over it' has always done my head in. How can you 'get over' losing your precious, long awaited baby? Becoming a BLM changes your perspective on the world, and I think that's part of that whole disconnect. I used to get upset about things that seem so trivial now. I'm sorry these people surround you Maggie - I wish I could take all that away. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI agree 100% Maggie. I have worried a lot through this process that I might be making others 'uncomfortable' while dealing with my grief. As time passes, I'm starting to not really care what they think. You are right...we have gone through something so unbelievably awful and unnatural. And if other people have a problem with how we deal with it...screw them. They can kiss all of our asses as far as I'm concerned.
ReplyDeletegrieving YOUR own child isnt being selfish, anyone who asks or assumes your feelings should be put aside, or "better" when they say are being selfish THEMSELVES...you are being a mother, let them bury their child and lets see how "unselfish" they become with their thoughts and feelings...they make it seem as though this is a blessing...MY loser brother told me I was using her death to get attention..I would GLADLY give the attention to one of them and let my heart feel a bit of peace...but like I said...Unless they have been there they will never know...xoxo..sweetie you are a GREAT mother, that isnt selfish, that is called LOVE!!!
ReplyDeleteI get this...I think you and I have actually discussed this at some point along the way. The grief definitely has its moments of making you feel selfish, and God knows that everyone else can make you feel selfish as hell for putting yourself first. For so much of my life, people have told me (for various reasons) 'if you don't make yourself #1, nobody else will.' That seemed to be nullified and voided after Gracie died....now that I have a legit reason to make myself #1, the rest of the world wants to revoke that privilege. Keep doing what you need to do and fuck the rest of the world that just can't, or doesn't want to get it.
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