I did the best I could

I did something today that I should not have done. I looked at old e-mails. It started off as an innocent thing at work trying to figure something out. Then I saw an e-mail to all three of my bosses telling them I would be right back in a little while. I had to go get an H1N1 shot. It was being offered at the department of health here on October 29, 2009 and everyone had been adament about getting me this shot. This was something I was terrified about for a good month or so. I heard stories about pregnant women having miscarriages and losing their babies days or weeks after getting this shot. There was no way in hell I was injecting my body with something that could compromise the life of my baby, especially when I was well into my third trimester. I was 32 weeks pregnant then. I was so very close. Every day the news talked about how vital it was for pregnant women to have this shot. My doctor urged me to get it. I was so skeptical about it, but I finally broke down and thought there was no reason not to get it. Nobody would be giving shots to pregnant women if it wasn't safe. The few that lost their babies was just some fluke, unfortunate coincidence. I would be fine. Plus, what if I did come down with some flu? I needed to do everything I could to make sure that didn't happen.

Well, I got it. And after looking at that one innocent e-mail today, all of the guilt and all of the what ifs and wish I could haves came back in full force.  What if this stupid shot was what caused me to lose Alexandra? What if I had not have gotten it? Would she be here with me today? I was given that shot and two weeks later, she was gone after a normal, healthy pregnancy. My head tells me no, I'm crazy and this just happened. Plus, one of my friends and I'm sure many countless pregnant women (I was not the only one who went there that day) were given that shot and they have either gone on to have healthy babies or are still pregnant. So that logic is the only thing that seems to comfort me without making me feel this one innocent action on my part was what killed my baby. I guess I will always wonder, especially since we never got any actual answers to what caused Alexandra's death. I just hate it. Enough time since the dreaded e-mail incident today has passed by now that I'm over the fact that this probably was not the cause, but it brought my guilt back. I'm back to feeling guilty for something I had no control over at all. I have to keep telling myself I did the best I could, but it's so hard. Then there's the fact that I once again have asked my husband's parents not to bring their pregnant daughter to some family outing because it makes ME too uncomfortable and too sad. This only adds onto not only the guilt I have towards Alexandra's death, but creates an entire new guilt of feeling like a selfish bitch. Don't bother showing up because it makes ME feel weird and awkward. Never mind the feelings my SIL may have of feeling like I don't want to see her. It's all about me. Grief makes you selfish, so deal with it. I wish I could stop the guilt and stop this madness. I wish I could stop thinking of the fact my SIL will have her baby and I won't. I'm sure she doesn't sit around thinking about me all the time, but I sit around and her happy, pregnant self is constantly on my mind, almost as much as Alexandra is. This is so hard. If Alexandra was here today, I could have been looking forward to the arrival of my first niece! Instead, all I've been doing is dreading it. This grief is maddening. So what's the lesson here? Don't ever look through old
e-mails. Delete, delete, delete! :-)