A year ago today...

I remember everything so well. The week before, we had gone to Florida. Before I left, I took a pregnancy test just to be sure since I was a little off and it was negative. So, we left on vacation. I came down with the worst cold during that trip. I remember feeling exhausted and sick. I even lost my voice, so I had no reason to think I was pregnant at the time.

Then the next week, still late, I decided to take a test. I remember thinking, 'oh it's just going to be negative again, but whatever, let's see' and then there it was...within a matter of seconds my test had turned into a bright pink positive sign. No mistake about it. I looked again and again... yup, that's a plus sign. Then I took a digital test and the word 'pregnant' came up clear as day. I couldn't believe it. I stared at those tests for the longest time. I took a shower with those tests on the counter and after I went into our bedroom and told my husband to turn the light on because I had something to show him. It was before work so he was kind of confused. Then I showed him and said, 'I'm pregnant.'

That's the day everything changed. I remember going into work that day and thinking of a way to call my doctor without people overhearing what I was scheduling my appointment for. I snuck into a conference room. *sigh* I remember feeling so hopeful, so happy, and had so much anticipation, and what did I get in the end? A dead baby. I got to bury my one and only daughter. I learned about funeral arrangements and funeral homes. I learned what autopsy results looked like. I learned about stillbirth. I created a blog. I found new friends (which is the greatest thing of this whole ordeal). :-) 

I just cannot believe that a year ago today I had hopes of bringing my very first baby into the world and starting our family. A year ago I was pregnant. A year ago I had hopes and dreams. A year ago I was afraid of what kind of mother I would be. Could I handle this? Was I ready? What a difference a year makes. And to top it all off... my SIL is in labor as I speak. She has excellent timing. I found out it was a girl on an anniversary of Alexandra's. I got a shower invitation on a bad day. Now she goes into labor on this day? Really? And how did I find this all out? That's the best part. I figured it out all on my own. I won't go into details, but the thing that aggravates me is everyone is so afraid of upsetting me, they just decide to not tell me. "Oh...let's not tell Maggie. We'll tell her later." Seriously? What difference does it make? I'm going to find out eventually. What's the point of the secrecy and tip toeing around my back? What's the point of all of this? So I'm sitting here annoyed that my SIL is having her baby that she will get to take home and annoyed that nobody knows what to say to me or how to approach me because of this whole mess. Lovely. I have an overwhelming urge to just leave the country and start over...or maybe just Hawaii. I'll start a new life there. Who is with me? :-)  We can all just live there together where we all understand each other and nobody is afraid to say the wrong thing or talk to us. It'll be paradise! *sigh* Hating this.