I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling angry. I'm tired of the unfairness. I'm tired of the jealousy. I'm tired of avoiding baby showers and pregnant women. Holidays seem meaningless now. I hate avoiding my SIL because I'm too afraid of seeing her and I have no idea how I would react. I don't know how many times I've asked my husband to see if she would be there or not before deciding on whether or not I wanted to go somewhere. It makes me feel like a bad friend and sister-in-law and future Aunt to this baby. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I feel cheated. I'm sick of what is now starting to become my all time favorite reaction by people which is, "Weren't you...the one that ...did you have a baby?" Me: "Oh, yes, I did, but she died." "What?" Me: - with a bit of impatience now. "She died!" and then after this, insert awkward few seconds of silence and then have the other person throw up their arms in a shrug, smile and say...ready..."Oh well! Have another!" Fantastic! Yup, I think it's my favorite reaction ever. Not only do I love the infamous, 'Oh well, have another' phrase, but it's the shrug that gets me. What is that about? It's as if you lost your keys or something. Oh well! I'll just get another copy made. I'm not sure why people immediately think saying, "have another" is the ultimate answer. I know people don't know what to say. I know saying 'have another' is a quick way to end the conversation. But, I can't help but laugh at the stupidity of it either. Sometimes that's all I can do is laugh and just be glad they really don't know how it all feels.
I want to feel happy again. I want to feel hopeful. I want to be a good Aunt. I want to want to hold a baby besides one that is my own. I was never really a big fan of holding new babies in the first place. I always said it would be different when that baby is mine. Well, it certainly was. Mine was dead. That was different, wasn't it? I want to be okay with walking down the baby aisle at stores and not having a feeling that I don't belong there. I want to look like I'm a parent. I want to know that one day this will happen for me and Alexandra will have a sister/brother one day. I hate the unknown. I hate wondering what went wrong. I just want to be me again.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I know how you feel. I haven't seen some of my friends that have had babies because I'm scared of how I'll react. When I'm out and see people with their babies, I think 'Why did she get to keep her baby and I didn't?'.
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence is what really got me though - I want to be me again as well but it feels like it's so far away. DH said to me a couple of months ago 'I miss Mad' and all I could say was 'I do too'.
Hugs.
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteI also know your pain...TIRED, is an understatement...Please go read Michelle (audreys mom) letter on my FB page...it should be given out right after you lose the baby, it should be posted up in every single end of the world so we are safe from people and their damn opinions and comments..NO I DIDNT LOSE KEYS...i lost my own flesh and blood...Its like the people who deserve the best get the worst...i swear i want to come across just one angel mommy and think "oh she shouldnt have been a mom in the first place"....i look at pregnant women, taking vicodins, smoking, drinking and the babies are normal happy healthy thats why i sometimes think its best to go old school and not follow the book so much...but me and you we are worry warts its in our blood to look out for our children....I just wish we would have been able to use our carefulness with our own babies...(((hugs))) its hard to believe we will feel happiness when we have days like this...its almost like I need a friends marathon...lol...email if you want to talk...xoxo
Maggie, Hugs to you today :)! You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete*big hugs* You will get there, you have to believe that. It just takes time and nothing but time.
ReplyDeleteGrief IS so exhausting. I know what helped me was to try and find one little thing a day to be present about and to find some joy in that moment. Whether it be seeing a flower or butterfly in the garden, or basking in the sunshine. You're doing great hon! I'm sending you big virtual hugs today
Maggie, I felt as if you took the words RIGHT out of my mouth, typed them in your blog and hit publish. You hit it right on the dot. I am tired of being tired. Tired of running, hiding & avoiding. 10 months later, I still do the very same things. AND when I get pregnant again, Im not so sure it will change things STILL.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart but I am with you!
you have also said exactly what i have been thinking. I also hate the well it was probably for the best comment. How could both of my babies being dead be for the best. If someone could explain that to me that would be great cos i cant manage to understand it.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
It is so tiring. I know we wish we could just be happy and back to ourselves again. Hoping that for all of us.
ReplyDeletegood lord, I think I would actually punch someone if they said that! You have more patience and understanding than most xxx
ReplyDeleteThe reality is that we are ourselves... we are our new selves and it is harder on us than anyone else can even begin to imagine! I would give anything to be who I was 6.5 months ago... happy, healthy and pregnant... and so tired for a fantastic reason!
ReplyDeletexo
Hugs! I am so sorry you feel like a bad friend, sister in law and aunt. I try to think about it as we have to do what is right for us right now and if take care of ourselves now and forget about everyone else hopefully one day sometime in the future we will be back - I mean we will be different of course, but we will be back one day and able to hold a baby and socialize with people that have babies.
ReplyDeleteUntil we get to that point the healing and pain that we have to go through is hard and just does not include holding babies!
I have not held a baby under about a year yet either and although I see my friends little baby girl all the time I just look at her.
Hugs!
It is downright exhausting. *huge hugs* Even as time passes I don't think you ever get over the jealousy....I imagine always looking at those who haven't lost and wonder why I didn't get to keep all of my babies. Thinking of you and Alexandra.
ReplyDelete